Yesterday I was singing at the Wellsprings, in Ashland. Katia was in, for Ladies night, and I rested with the trees. Its a hippie stronghold, a haven for the grateful dead. there is a sense of family pride, wisdom, in the flow of keeping hopes alive for decades. I'd come before, a month ago. There was an open mic night, and I got a migraine. no accident I'm sure, and yet there was the pain, real as ever, and I just didn't want to cut through it to sing. why? I didn't feel afraid. maybe it covered it up. At this point it is ridiculous. I've been incubating so long I'm twice toasted. too old to bring in something new? but it feels so damn alive, so unbelievably vibrant. The spirit that is singing through is yearning to be. At the end of the flow I lost my concentration. when I do that, what comes through is often not really a statement i am making, but a statement that is being thought AT me. This is hard to describe unless you try it. 'The ancient forces you represent need to compromise...' a very odd statement... I followed it up with ' 'draw down the mooon....' I feel ancient magic waking up through me. I feel the flow of life lifting, and a window to a open world shivering and creaking enough for fresh air to get in. I wish I knew how to say more. please listen to this. http://kaiya.podbean.com/2009/10/20/eye-of-the-storm/

No problem can be resolved from the order of magnitude at whcih it was created.

this is not really a radical thought, basically, when paradigms break down, they cannot be turned to to understand WHY they are breaking down. We have to surrender, and go deeper.

the health care system America has lived in is totally inadequate, and relating it to the rest of the world is not the issue. There are obvious advantages to the ways in which other countries THINK about healht.

Namely, if you put healthcare into a capatilist model, health providers, like any merchant, have a vested interest in people returning again and again. this is the normal force that encourages merchants to do a good job... if they do not, theyn their ccustomers won't come back! Simple really, the conservatiove mantra for reality. It has merit.

Except of course if doing a good job means your clients don't come back.

think about it. If a doctor really works with a person in a way that makes them totally well, so well they go beyond what we know of as well... they loose money.

so the financial structure of medecine in this country sucks. It sets forces against each other in the more confusing time for money paradigm.

There is not way to reform insurance companies and payment strcutures to change this. We need to create an alignment in the forces at hand.

the only way I can see to do THAT is to give a different focus oto healht.

Convert insurance companies to healht CLUBS. these clubs are the only institution invovled that has a vested interest in keeping the costs down. So give them MORe responsibility.

We need to challenge ourselves to go beyond what we have known as health. If we presume that we will naturally be getting sick rhythmically, well we will get sick rhythnmically. this is a core gift of some alternative (note the ridicualous word, poised in rlation to the mainstream confusion, still attached to it) medecine.

How we thinkm and feel shapes our health.

well if tis is so. Fuck that IT IS io, since this is so, we need to set dreams, intentions, commonly shared prayers, to become essentially super human.

I realize this is neracking for gernerations that saw hitler and the nazis go insane. but they... well they went nuts. they felt our potential, and got very convused, and didn't have all sorts if intentions and advantages we do have now.

Now, we need to rethink what is going on.

the steps to embrace, to embdoy the multiple fascets of our human existence that can make us healthy on orders of mmagnitude more levesl than riding ourselves of colds... is upon us. to be able to run for ridiculouslengths of time, to see with vision well beyond what we've known as possible, to channel healing energy strong enough to heal each other, and even the mutilated land and water around us...

These are THEY SAMe prayers that will help heal the finanical morass. the confusion of insurance companies and HMOS and fibnancial profiting on sickness are all woven in the very foundations of how we imagine a body, a soul our minds, and life here on earth.

Keep it simple.



Healht clubs become intnentional groups that pool money to pay yoga teachers, energy workers, doctors and shamans to work together to create health. They all get paid fine, and are woven into the community. The incentives shift to helping the community thrive. And then we begin to take off. it isn't a zero sum, it isn't a normal, this keep s going. learn to be so healhty we eliminate migraines, and flue, and even cancer... okay, keep going. the same community learns to pray more deeply, support each other more efficiewntly. the individuals train in the simple healing modalities and take care of each other... its a whole new model for healht, and it doesn't END. the healtier we get, the more we can explore, and discover new ways to shine in this life.

Con - against
Fusion - merging

http://kaiya.podbean.com/#

I have lived with 'confusions' in my awareness, for which I have somewhat effectively medicated myself with understanding.

It has been incomplete.

I hear so much. It rains in like a tickertape of thoughts, mostly monotone... from a whole layer of awareness that seems to be... you. the people around me. Yet very aware versions of ya'll, seeing and thinking and recognizing things I cannot. Hearing my thoughts.

Here is my emerging model of understanding.

the Hawaiians understand both a higher, and a lower self. WE live and grow in the middle mostly, and have both layers in relation to ourselves.

I believe this as wavelengths, and energy fields. There is an 'octave', a range of energy that extends from one wavelength to the wavelength twice as long...along with the waves in between, and the relationshiops between themn... this corresponds to a musical 'octave' from one note to the next higher note of the same 'letter'. C to C.

then there is a whole range below this, down to HALF the original wavelength... and a whole range above this up to TWICE the higher wavelength.

By comparison, pianos have over seven octaves.

So I believe that the range we are most attuned in, with the traditional hive senses, is the middle self. We are learnging to harness the 'lower' self, and integtate its strengths, and we are learning to be guided by the 'higher' self, and integrate its strengths.

Thie 'higher' self is, in my understanding, not 'above ' us, but a higher WAVELENGTH. the actual energy is, and has always been, within us. the challenge is to bridge it so clearly that we are functioning with it, rather than amidst confusion.

con fusion, the experience of forces pushing against each other, rather than learning to merge, and harmonize.

My sense, my intuitivon, is tis.

My chin chakra, energy center, wildflower... seems to function as a translator. If I op[ened all the receptors at once, I'd go nuts. I have tyried this, or rather, I have tried opening much more than I had before, and it really is overwhelming. But this series of steps did enable me to open MORE, and learn to channel energy through my chin. The chin 'translates it into more palatable pieces. my balance? I get this tickertape of thboughts that my own essence has somehow selectyed, or my guidance has... for me to be aware of.

It often involves very insightful glances into other peopole. I overhear YOUR thoughts. It isn't an open door scenerio. I can't CHOOSE to, and I can barely choose NOT to. But when it comes through, I get repeated examples that it is in fact the real deal.

Yet many of the 'thoughts' I hear are very very mean. I had SUCH a  difficult time with this, constantly overhearing nasty statements amidst confusion.. the warst thoughts and feelings realloy.

My perception now, is that I was diving. I was learning to focus, to refocus my consciouslness into the octave BELOW, where more primal, survival thoughts and feelings live. It isn't that this is a evil or even horrible vib ration. It isn't directly less evolved, but it is heavily focused on the body.  Along with the passions and emotions that are most challenging to cinorporate.

they are here for everyone, I just somehow got 'stuck'. and it is almost as if my middle self trying to be a very good person self, got focused on the lower self, so I began taking an aweful lot of 'hits' energy meanness that I presume most people mostly ignore.

then there is the higher range. It is easy to be there sometimes, but con fusion still comes in. Because how on earth can this person who just said that very mean thing and threw a fit... actually an Angel? because we are all divine, and we all focus a greater awareenss of divine connection in this higher self within us... and we are all learning to integrate the body centered life and thoughts we are...l with this more eternally aware self.

In the grand scheme of things, it isn't hell. It is karma, it is the process of learning to integrate divergent awareness and experience within one life. that is the magic of this body, this self, this existence.

There is a dynamic. It needs to be named, so it can be more clearly recognized.

someone makes a mistake, and therefor...
it is okay to throw very nasty energy at them.

The real response to 'mistakes': mis-takes. Scenes of life that we'd prefer to take over again.... is a question.

The real 'answer' to a mistake is a question.

How can we best bring this back into rhythm?

there is surrender in this question, because the reply is different for every person, and is even different scene to scene... take to take.of life.

Thus, it is not okay to throw hate at someone for a mistake, unless that is actually the best way to help them reply.

reply, re play, change the habit or choice that created the mis take...

are hate and fear ever the best ways to help someone change?

I have accepted a lot of hatred because I am out of rhythm with others. I have taken for granted that 'I' am the problem... because after all I am usually, often... a new factor in peoples lives.

I am praying my way out of the habit... the consistent choice... to take on the rage and fear of those who resist the changes... that often accompany... me.



I live with some fear I'd like to release. I have been afraid to release it... the only thing we have to fear is fear,.... because I sense that I will not be taken seriously.

but who wants to be taken seriously all the time anyway?

I live with the fear that the practices I love, namely musical wildflowers and freestyle flow... are too intense to be received. people react against them so ofte. I FEEl fear that they tear down too much, bring too much change, that I can't handle this...

then I real eyes that the advantage of being afraid in this manner is that it builds up how 'important' and intense' these practices (I) am. It fills an ego void that is still too empty from a silly side of me...

So I go into this awesome sense of change. That I am doing well, amazingly well... then I get afraid... then I talk myself down from the fear as being egoic. Then I'm back to somewhat stable.

And yet reclusive.



I often feel like I am travelling the morphic fields of Gaia. My consciousness atunes to different frequencies, and I balance them. Once I demonstrate that I can balance them... I can 'do' a lot more. I can travel, refocus with intention... watch.

And I watch layer upon layer of Gaia. I go into some areas like a welcome guest, and others like a ninja, though I often can't tell the difference at first.

I feel it first. Then I focus on the feeling. Then I see and hear.

I wish I could prove it. It is so fucking beautiful, but even I, to myself, have doubts that I'm simply very imaginative, or...

 that a very active imagination is...

the art of watching layers of shared reality, and even learning to engage in it.

I have the distinct sense that a lot of ghosts are listening, they tell me so.

or is that 'just' my imagaination.

If you meditate on it, you'll realize that this distribution, this 'tuning' of the chakras leaves a red root, and a 'yellow' heart.

I have found after about two years of working with this approach, that it is possible to change the natural color of the chakras, within a range of influence. the results are... interesting.

With the red root, and the yellow heart, I find that the love is fiercer and raw. The love that tears things down because it is time to change them. the love that will end relationships, jobs and homes because love knows it has a clearer place to live and thrive.

Love always does this, but with a consciously yellow heart, it seems to be... more raw and fierce.

After a while of working like this, I am more consistently tuning my root to orange, and my heart then becomes green.

I do not believe there is a 'fixed' color for each chakra. with the standard new age way of putting the root as red, and the heart as green, the distribution is stretched out. In my experience this has functioned to SLOW THINGS DOWN.

As we all learn about the chakras as a culture, it has been appropriate to keep it with breaks on so to speak. When you allow this shift... it flows more freely.

with the root orange, some interesting things happen.

first of all, to be raw about it... there is a desire to leave 'fucking' It isn't a judgement, its a vibration. The higher fibe (higher doesn't equal beetter, just higher frequency) changes things.

so the result has been mixed. For periods my sex life has shut down almost completely. and then when it turns on, it is full of much more intense orgasms, that come from much LESS intense 'work'. Namely, less is more. By being intune with more subtle vibrations, the energy body is able to let more energy in, and out.

Its worth it : )

It does require you to be willing to abstain from sex for periods however, becuase the changes can get a little wild. basically, be gentle. meditate with the color orange in the root, and an orange yellow 'fire' in the pelvis.

Much Love

With my heart.

I was born Daniel. Now I am Kaiya. This isn't contradictory to me, though it is...interesting.

The hardest thing about being me, is that I have looked at enough confusion and pain to fill many lifetimes, and I live in an era that is hiding its collectiver head in the sand, asking questions about age old truths that we have a vested interest in forgetting.

Wait, back up, feel now...

I have been writting for many years now, page after page after page of visceral truths. I've been living much of my inner world outloud, online. this has built my sense that I am pioneering. I have a deep value to share as much as I can of how I am, so I do not mislead...

Whether or not you follow is your choice. There are plenty of ways I follow, beyond count. there is one in which I am... putting myself out here, .

hello.

The cyhanges that are coming demand we turn our strengths into coils of love, ready to spring when touched, like the string of an angels harp.

the changes we are in, as the light lines of an energetic dawn awaken us from a collective sleep of dimensions beyond my comprehension...

I'm justy beginning to blink...

And several nights ago I had a dream that my laptop got a brail attachement, and I couls 'still' write my deepest truths as they unfold, here online... with braille.

I don't want to go that way.

So this marks a turning point. I'm beginning to open my eyes, and it feels great. I nheed to follow this opening, and receed from the writting. I need some deeper boundaries.

I intend to see again.

fully, openinly, joyfull, full of colors and pose and smiles and honesty and all the little things I have been missing in a lifetime full of shields and blur.

Back to the woods we be.

There is this amazing dance between inbtentions and the now, folding and unfolding, reaching and returning, burning steady, yet shifting with tides deeper than I can understand.

Putting a whole heart into each step, and thinking its ridiculous all the while.

We crossed the country, and had negative dollars till I argued long enough to get some fees removed. then we have enough to not close the account.

We received a ride and corssed america in two days flat. I'd love to love the middle. I truly want to find the magics there. I haven't, yet.

And just in time to meet, for the second time in two years, Benji, at the headwaters of mount shasta. He pointed us up the hill, for a yearly sweat gathering in panther meadows. We made it just in time.

Days later, and we are by the buddha hole. It is strong and clear, a little glacier cold, and ... REAL.

two weeks. We were strong enough to wlak to town when we needed to. Seven miles is easier than it used to be.

Now we are in Santa Cruz. We are closer to the Now, closer to a flow that rises out of trauma, and fear.

Given each thing we need, and learning to not need the things that we want, that do not come.

When angels watch this closely... trusting Love becomes gold

And I am very wealthy.

I have let go of 'everything' on three major occasions by now.

The oomph of this path, going through the loss, soul searching for 'meaning', and recreating, is irreplaceable. The power, the joy, the emotional inspiration for each day of life, shifts from 'things'  and 'positions' which are beyond us, into 'rhythms, skills, patterns within.

I would, at some point in my life, have considered that a 'should'. As in, I 'should' be the kind of person who can let go of everything... in order to be a 'good' person.

Now, I simply know that since loosing all my things, along with the dreams and aspirations that were woven with them.... that I am literally more free.

I am only recently awakening from the shell shock of all that loss, and accepting that it hurt. A lot.

Its odd, awakening from hurt, to feel joy, somehow reveals that hurt was hurt. That can 'hurt' more in some ways, feeling, awakening from the numbness.

It is amazing, I've been telling myself that I AM someone, again and again, to all who'll hear, as a way of justifying all the loss. All I have to do is admit that I haven't really been this person... and I recognize that I am becoming this person : )

And it has been worth it.

Now, my challenge is to learn to care about creatina a life worth living, with some grounding. A life that honors the choices I've made to release such, and thus, a life that has the courage to embrace the same patterns and cares that once suffocated me.To care deeply for the home I live in, the patterns of material life... while knowing they will transform.

I'd really prefer to natruallyl anticipate when it is time to change , and to do so with grace!

Pain. My simplest, clearest memories are short. I put a rusty wire through my finger. I stuck my figer in a lightsocket. I had excrusiating pain in my knees. I got migraines. I feel off my bike... wait, I don't even remember THat pain.

For the head, and knees I used heat, or cold. some strong, clear tempeture change that allowed my brain to focus differently. I didn't 'get it' yet, but I was learning to change the way I reqacted to the 'pain' and thus change... the pain.

At a certain point in high school, in church no less, I decided not to take pain relievers for my head anymore. the turmoil was ridiculous. We were sleeping over, in the narthex, the top part between the choir stalls. I'm not sure why we slept there as a youth group, but we did, and it felt special. And my head was exploding, and I finally took a tylenol...

and the pain went away... almost right away.

And i got it.

The pain left because I expected it to. I hardly ever used them again, I wanted to learn how. years later, and many nights of ARGSFGAG (I'm stubborn), and I began to learn to feel into what was going on. To my suprise, it wasn't actually, all that bad! I felt the little blood vessels pumping, and learned to concentrate on the pulse, in the area, that was in 'pain'.

this brought a sooting ness, but more importantly, it brought RHYTHM. Gradually, it became clear that my resistence was driving me insnae. Despite the idea of the migraine, I was NOt in consistent pain. I was in a state, where 'pain' could erupt at any moment, in pulses that function a lot like chinese water torture. Its the unpredictability that is worst.

Then, the experience deepened.

There were literally two vibrations going on. One that was 'normal' and one that was not. The new one was poking through, seemingly randomnly, and my 'brain' was immediately reacting against it, p[ushing it away.

Pain was the experience of rejecting something, and not being able to get rid of it.

The only rational response I knew of, was to stop fighting. The blood vessel meditation worked well. then water. Baths, showers. Walking. RHYTHM. Set a third rhythm, a feeling that I do like that is neigther 'normal' nor the new vibe. And allow it to function as a common denominator for the other two. Then surrender.

I began to learn to recognize feelings, to discern awareness that had made no sense to me. It was the choas that was unusual, and it was my resistenc eto that chaos that was horrible. The clinging to what was, to what I knew of as normal, and the attempt to conform the new feelings to something that... clearly... couldn't contain them.

I had to learn to change color.

They didn't want to blend. the new feelings were pissed too, and were bublbling in at the edges (like chinese water torture). They didn't want to just mix, they wanted my full attention.

I began to see the faces of my friends... in rage.

And THEN it began to make sense. my whole body went through transformations, as I began to recognize feelings, all over, that were often more intense than anything that had been normal. and many of them were, ARE uncomfortable. One by one, i could gio into them. It was like I was stuck in a psychic septic system, all the angers people feel, flashes of, and then say no too. Eventually building up, needing to go somewhere...

The thing is they are raw energy. They are our lifeforce, modled into ridiculous passions because we are still too sloppy to create our lives more consciously. I was awakening to the levers and pullies of systenms that traditionally work unconsciously.

And it hurt(s)

the really stunning thing is, I learned to transform them in my girlfriend. I was deep in the flow of interpretting them as psychic attacks ()unconscious) and I went in to a migraine she was having... and we peeled it away. I saw the flash of a face, and a man, and said this guy wanted you more than you think, and he's still channelling energy into you...

and he used to be her roomate...

and he moved two hours away...

and he called on the phone an hour later, asking to come visit ,that day.

Angels like teaching tough lessons with this kind of clairty, because I can still tell you about it seven years later.

Now... it still hurts. I still wonder at all the chaos. But boy of boy can I move thr4ough it better. Its a lot about how I think about it. It requires deep surrender QUICKLY. No, I'm not going to the park. No I'm not goig to play music, read go to work, any thing at all. Thiese feelings are coming in, ad I have to be with them, fully, or I will drown. Not the most empowered position imaginable, but the most empowered position I can conjure.

Unfortunately, there is a problem. If I do it, for my girlfriend, here is what happens. I go in, feel the dissonance, take it into my body, and dye it.

It feels like death. It struggles, the vibe struggles like a living worm, and I strangle it. that is kind of horrifying. It has a pleasure to it, much like, I imagine, a cat hunting a mouse. but as a vegan feeling being, I really do not like the sense of domination that is required.

But it is required.

Anyways... I go in, embody the vibe, dominate4 it, and dye it. It goes still. Breathe opens, in both of us... and a much calmer feeling, attuned to a more neatural vibe (presuming I'm in blance myself) emerges.

This is lifeforce. It is the lifeforce of the person I am helping. It isn't mine, but its in me. It gives me a lot of power. They don't want it, because they are in pain.

But now its pain t.

My challenge at the moment, is to put it back. For a long time, I just thought I'd take it out, and get rid of it. But that is very disempowering for the pwerosn I work with, and it has actually meant I usually only use this approach in emergncies... on other people.

In me, it happens all the time. This is the odd and scary conseqeuence. I get psychic confusion channelled at me constantly. All day long, I'm transmuting odd energies, and often before I know where they come from. I write to embolden myself. Its usually just annoying, but in a debilitating way, becuase underneith, I don't know how to make it stop.

this is pain. It isn't physical, or even energetic pain. It is my resistence to an experience that I do not know how to stop.

I think writing this is going to change something important.