Neediness

I have a hard time accepting my neediness.

I've held this story about myself: made it nine years without a regular job, travelled, explored, been ingenuitive, creative and a blessings whereever I go.  'I am falling the calling that lead me out of NYc, out of the grind, into mystical depths. The world is training me, taking me from teacher to teacher, from community to community, through challenge into opportunity... I'm facing the extremes, the deep fears, the ecstatic highs of the old ways... so I can embrace the deepest joys, and learn the new song, and dance the new dance a little early. I'm called to learn, and to share with the culture at large, to help fill the voids created by a disintegrating materialistic paradigm... I'm a pioneer of the new love...''

'I have friends all over the country, who are grateful I'm in their life, and have been a part of this magical joy with me. the world takes care of me, kinda like the peace pilgrim, there is always what I need, and even much of what I want...'

but the truth is its been pretty hard, and I've relied on people supporting me much of the time. I do regularly get complimented, thanked... but there has been a mostly unspoken undercurrent of indebtedness, disempowerment.

I've built so many skills, and passions in this time. i've been able to share them, and explore in directions and dimensions that were the stuff of fantasy to me, once upon a time. faced and moved through fears, and helped others clear theirs, been a part of the highpoints of people's lives... wherever I go.

Yet I've felt somewhat out of control, in an unsurrendered, frightened way. Asserting and clinging to the magic of this path, while barely being able to breathe. I've taken new jobs and left them when the world 'uged me on..., right?', I've lived in the woods, accepted public assistence, and eaten off the land. i don't have 'rules' against any particuarl action, I follow the signs... right? I've been guided... but lordy I'm scared, sometimes, that I'm more confused than I suppose, than I tell myself, then i want to believe.

And truth is, I don't know how to share my gifts yet. I teach yoga. I get supportive folks, who thank me and compliment me deeply when I leave, and want me back. But it doesn't feel right. It doesn't work. Though I try to articulate the whys of that, I don't know how to keep the flow going in my own life. Its like I give aweay my own medicine and I start to get sick. As soon as I start guiding, my own practice deteriorates. Same with music. It flows like a clear eternal spring very often, alone, or with a small few. But share it more openly, and something... breaks.

All my heart has gone into that which I do not know how to share.

I keep returning to this deep dark joyful hallow, and surrender, and am blessed so well, repeatedly.

Yet the quiet terror that I can't make it all work in the world continues to haunt me.

What am I doing? Well I'm writting, learning to be concise and clear. I'm starting to collaborate, and it is showing promise for the first time in a long time. If these things work, i'll learn how to share much of my perspective. And that is what healing artists do!

To bring it through will be such a joy.

I have a hard time accepting that I'm still scared it won't work.