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October 2009 
Seeing
Posted on Jun 16th, 2009
by 
Kaiya
Kaiya
This is in Response to the Questions and Reflections for June 16, 2009:
I am afraid to see.
I could tell you of all the horrific visions I've had, of rage, and pain and abuse. Or IU could just say that my eyes are tense, painfully tight, and they hold so much warped confused muscualr activity, that I uxsually seem to numb them.
I had a dream several nights ago that I was being congratulated for some wonderful energy work by a group full of clients. Following their ovation, I went to work on a friend. They writhed beneath my hands, releasing as I prayed for love. And then his eyes began to burn, part5icularly the left eye.
This is me. How can I help others with all these gifts, when I have yet to heal myself? I realize gazillions of healers 'do' but from my vantage this is a devils game, a trade of pain, a hot potato of angst that provides, upon admission, a guarantee that you won't ever really 'heal', you'll just keep trading trauma till it all numbs into a slow dulll blah death.
full healing involves unravelling the roots, and those roots may reach before this lifetime. I realize most 'healer4s' don't even believe in such a paradigm, but I do. that is part of my healing work. and if my integrity doesn't honor roots so deep, then who am I to play games with health?
I stayed up all night the other night, and a lady who lived in the home I was sleeping near, awke tired, with painful eyes. I had been tired, with painful eyes all night, but when I awoke to the orange juice jar she left by my head, I was clear, and she manifested all these symptoms. this is how it can work, we bear each others burdens. but to me, with this vision, I cannot condone proceeding till I'm sure I'm not 'dumping' my karma on others, even if they pro-offer a trade.
that doesn't mean I can't serve. I can, it just has to be very clear, a flow, divine, synchronistic. This is how I discern that it is time to work, and that the energies are healthy, and balanced.
Within these words are the germs of my confusion. I'm sure I'm supposecd to be doing more, but not till I'm sure I will do so well.
I could tell you of all the horrific visions I've had, of rage, and pain and abuse. Or IU could just say that my eyes are tense, painfully tight, and they hold so much warped confused muscualr activity, that I uxsually seem to numb them.
I had a dream several nights ago that I was being congratulated for some wonderful energy work by a group full of clients. Following their ovation, I went to work on a friend. They writhed beneath my hands, releasing as I prayed for love. And then his eyes began to burn, part5icularly the left eye.
This is me. How can I help others with all these gifts, when I have yet to heal myself? I realize gazillions of healers 'do' but from my vantage this is a devils game, a trade of pain, a hot potato of angst that provides, upon admission, a guarantee that you won't ever really 'heal', you'll just keep trading trauma till it all numbs into a slow dulll blah death.
full healing involves unravelling the roots, and those roots may reach before this lifetime. I realize most 'healer4s' don't even believe in such a paradigm, but I do. that is part of my healing work. and if my integrity doesn't honor roots so deep, then who am I to play games with health?
I stayed up all night the other night, and a lady who lived in the home I was sleeping near, awke tired, with painful eyes. I had been tired, with painful eyes all night, but when I awoke to the orange juice jar she left by my head, I was clear, and she manifested all these symptoms. this is how it can work, we bear each others burdens. but to me, with this vision, I cannot condone proceeding till I'm sure I'm not 'dumping' my karma on others, even if they pro-offer a trade.
that doesn't mean I can't serve. I can, it just has to be very clear, a flow, divine, synchronistic. This is how I discern that it is time to work, and that the energies are healthy, and balanced.
Within these words are the germs of my confusion. I'm sure I'm supposecd to be doing more, but not till I'm sure I will do so well.
Access: Public
Sweetheart, rest assured that I'll be praying for your healing and peace of mind. Your desire to help is there and that will be your ladder out of this. God Bless you, Sandi
My Master told me;
“The most common problem with healers these days is they never learn how to heal themselves. I have psychologists friends who are wrecks and they come up to me and say, 'What am I to do Mikel?' I respond, 'What's Blah Blah's rule of Blah Blah?'
'Well it's…'
'Do it.'”
Also, you cannot “dump” karma on another. However it sounds you're having a dilemma most modern citizens have; inconsistency in your karmic poles. You cannot gain power if you continue to contradict each of your karma poles. You need to choose one and continue on it, or else you will never leave the Karmic Nursery.
mr spheres, I find that abasing to the relationship 'master' induces people to treat others with the same harsh clarity they desire to receive, whether or not (I) call in such. the paradigm is interesting, but I prefer to live neither at the north, nor the south, pole. navigating in between is dicey, somewhat disorienting…
but its honest.
sandi, thank you. I appreciate the prayers and witnessing. sometimes such simplicity calls in a center. questinos unanswered, yet filled with love.
its almost like I'm grooming myself of these fears and 'nots'. I find that when I share my frustration and confusion, when I expose it… rather than (trade) it with someone who chooses to play out my vulnerability while I occupy a power pole… I ask for help, and I receive help… and then I can go back to feeling good about what I have to share. getting into these eyes is dicey… but if I refuse to share my strengths while I continue to heal, well that is silly.
You only share clarity with those that ask in my opinion. You sound like a karmically neutral person. That's the most fierce and indifferent path of living and as a young man, its hard for me to have the desire, will, or capacity for pain for following it.
I apologize for any imposition i may have sounded in my post; I was simply trying to objectively state a view point.
The funny thing is I have trouble believing in it, or living to it everyday as we all do.
There is no “formula for success” as our culture appears to believe.
thank you for this reply.
yes, I have been through a lot of pain, and I've come through as a rather loving and caring person. I choose to be vulnerable, because I have seen and experienced what happens when men repress their feelings to posture strength. wounds do not heal, and nasty emotions fester, keep karma broken, and are expressed in the worst ways.
thus I choose to open consciously.
That choice takes courage to make. I do want insight, that is why I open. I don't want to be coddled, or to refuse it for lack of respect.
and it is a lot easier to accept your medicine, when it comes with your humility and regard.
much love to you