There is a certain depth of breathing which makes me feel more alive than anything else I can mention in these words. its like drinking pure light, and it hasn't seemed to come to me often, or just because I want it to.

It makes me a little mad, which wakes up stubborn, which is silly, but real. I have felt it most clearly when I'm inside my lover. I can't feel the most beautiful breathe I know, without help. How obnoxious of me to resist...

The full statement of life, to me, that I am not alone. that I cannot survive or thrive in joy by myself, and that even in the silence of the trees, I am fully surrounded. I'm surrounded, cornered, love has  me totally stuck.

But I can still choose to avoid the breathe. I can refuse it, or 're=member' it, or otherwise keep it at bay, because I do not want to fully embrace this tangible vibrrant experience stamping into my being that I cannot create it on my own.

Each breathe can be so sweet. Inhaling pure life, pura vida. It isn't a triffle, to be toyed with. a full real breathe can send me spinning for quite a while, and the thing is, this shit is everywhere. Get in tune, and have another one.

when I was young, I was terrified to sleep. That is the beginning of these memories, for now. I knew something horrible was coming, and I desperately wanted my parents to stay up late, later than me, and angsted my way through the inbetweens.

I didn't want to be awake, when they were all 'gone'.

Later, It became a time to read. reading replaced fears, and that was lovely. I'd often read all night, and I recall forgetting that anything had been scary when I was younger, which means something about it was sure working. But I dearly disliked waking up again. i never had enough.

later still, sleeping has become a time of magic.

I get woken in my sleep, often. the mind is crystal clear, and I get taught. Because it often begins so clearly, I can retain my focus on the 'teacher' and go deeper. I don't not hear' the same doubts and distractions I do during the day. The lessons stay clear. It is truly, absolutely, beautiful. this has progressed to a point of real iamazing stuff. I get dreams, that lead me into a scenerio. they take it to a certain point... and then... I'm woken up.

the challenge is to see what I'll do, how i'll respond in that vivid inbetween, when i can still engage the dream vibration as a 'vision', and allow it to continue, with a consciousness about it, just a different perspective.

It bridges me between here, and 'there'.

I presume I'm leading into lucid dreams, of which I havn't had many. the childhood night terrors were often completely conscious, with little distinction between waking and sleeping, save that I couldn't feel my body, my whole being was IN the vision. so to me, this introduced the natural reality of... many realititeis. I have a distinct trust that we are concenterated consciousness in what we know of as material reality, and there are plenty of other vibrations to exist within, to various exents.

And we can learn to travel between...

during the waking times, most of which are day time for me, for now, I have large portions of my consciousness 'elsewhere'. It is often jpure kinisthetic, and verbal, often without even layers of sound. Its like being blind, and partially deaf, and it has taken years of cultivation to focus on it enough to learn and be present'. My results remain sloppy. I hear shards of all sorts of experiences, subconscious feelings, wishes, passions. Its confusing often, and they react to me, mostly.

And over time, I am distilling the understanding that I am, often, engaging vibrational fields of existence that are the 'same' core fields I do (can) go to in my sleep. In sleep time I am perhaps more fully present 'there'. I have an awareness of being there, I 'remember' making choices about my day in THIs body. its almost like a planning vibration, from which this material experience is plotted out.

Perhaps you can feel what I'm talking about?

ANGELS

Angels talk to me. 

Angels talk to you.

When they began.

I listened.

 

 

 

 

They taught me, night by night, day by day.

 

And I began to cry for joy, as I learned step by step, that the world is so much  more amazing than I had ever imagined. 

 

My heart sings new life. My soul births a new dawn a little early. And I’d like to tell you about what I’ve been learning.

 

 

 

How we understand ourselves, matters. Matters, materializes, changes the world of physical reality. How we witness life, changes what life is.

 

I understand myself as a guy who climbs really tall trees, amidst a dense forest. I push until I break into the light, and find… the night moon.

 

It is dark, with the subtle shine of moonbeams. 

 

I have sat up here a long while talking with the moon, and after a moment she tickled my ear, and turned my head to look at fresh colors dancing on the horizon. 

 

‘The new sun is rising’ come see…

 

 

 

I don’t know how open you are, do you? 

 

I am learning ways of working with the body that transform thousands of years of esoteric practices. Combine the ideas of ‘weaving’ with ‘opening an accordion’, with ‘lighting on fire’. Use the imagery as a primary metaphor. The words… can get stuck.

 

Several world cultures have had windows on our ‘energetics’  and their practices combine remarkably well with… Rock ‘n Roll. 

 

The dynamics of music theory, the influence of spinning orbs of light inside our bodies, and the chemistry of our DNA, are all parts of a more cohesive whole. We, humanity, learned to recognize them individually as if they were complete and separate fields of experience. We’re ready to drop the ‘baggage’, the husks of separation in which we’ve incubated our awareness. 

 

Buddhism, Massage, and Sacred Geometry, Christianity, Shamanism, and corporate accounting, are and have always been part of a greater whole.

 

Our body. This planet. The Earth.

 

We are learning to see this grand being, and it is necessary to reconceive our wealth of experience and ‘practice’ in a broader vision. To weave together our perceptions, and allow an unfolding of… true Nature.

 

A birthing.

 

 

 

A YOGIC TALE

Three blind Yogis are dear old friends. They meditate together often, and lots of folks come to drink in their insights.

 

One day an Angel comes to them. She visits them often, and thus, they enjoy her company. Today, she has questions for them… which began with…

 

‘What is this?’

 

Each of them is confronted with something large to hold, and asked to describe it. The first finds a hard, rounded surface, with a sharp point on the end. He suggests it is a tool for digging. 

 

The second feels a strong rubbery surface, larger than himself. As he spreads both arms wider than he can reach, and finds the object extending past his range, he suggests that it is the side of a home. It is warm, and strong. 

 

The third feels a long hose, heavy and tough. ‘Excellent for channeling water..’ He offers.

 

Each of them is irritated with the other two for suggesting something so silly, after all, it is right here… in front of us to touch.

 

The Angel smiles softly. And encourages them to guide each other to feel the vantage they each found on their own. 

 

They’d gotten so hung up on making sense of their initial impressions that they didn’t learn how to go beyond them, to appreciate what a totally different experience offers. First they had to let go of their preconceptions, and then they had to surrender enough to let another perspective guide them.

 

As they do, they learn to recognize… an elephant.

 

 

 

It is time to reinterpret thousands of years of experience from many spiritual, cultural and intellectual practices. Our awareness is, and has always been, destined to rebirth now. The integration is well underway. By seeing it – more - clearly, we help… ourselves… awaken.

 

 

 

I once worked on Wall Street as a computer Admin for a .com design firm. After nine months of not feeling joy, I left. My intuition, and the trees themselves, called me to become something full of love.

 

To follow my heart.

 

At the time, I was rather confused. I actually climbed up a high stair case to a dusty medical supply shop and bought myself a stethoscope. I began wearing it at work.

 

I could barely hear it. 

 

Since then, I’ve studied Yoga intently, and learned to dance. The music in my soul has pushed me to sing and keep singing. I’ve drummed in the dark till I wept. I’ve passed many nights yearning to see through the haze of psychic visions, half-wondering if I was going insane.

 

I broke so deeply I lost trust in most of the things around me. I rejected the world I was raised within, and learned to listen further… until I ripped open more deeply still.

 

Nine years later, I am learning to turn around, and stare into what I called my past.

 

 

 

We live and think, in a flat land of our own creation. This world, Earth Tara Gaia is vaster than our conception of the galaxy, and smaller than our microscopes can see. The plants and seas are alive, with us, of one small layer, one energetic wave field of Gaia. Her body reaches down much further than we know how to measure, and emerges between vibrations that we ‘know’ only glimpses of.

 

We were not supposed to see more… yet.

 

Now.

 

To see something new, we have to relearn how to see. 

 

The combination of every tradition I have encountered, has served to create enough perspective for me to see... the edge of ‘other’ dimensions that exist within our own bodies. These gifts of insight have been clear enough to allow the release of my former relationship to the isms and anities, from one of allegiance, to rhythms of dance.

 

Each is beautiful, when timed well. They are not what we are, but what we embody.

 

In English, we say I AM 34 years old, and I AM afraid. In Spanish, they say, ‘Yo tango 34 anos’ … I HAVE 34 years… and ‘Yo tango miedo’, I have fear.

 

Imagine this as a starting point. In the pages and perspective ahead, I do not intend to fight or patronize those who call themselves Christians, or Physicists. I DO intend to reframe their attention, and the fruits of their labors and faith. From one of being… to one of embodiment. 

 

The shift in conception, enables us to move between the various fields of Earthly existence by choice.

 

Much of this is already happening. Some knowledge is widespread among circles of healing and transformation… Reiki, Indian Chakra meditation, Native American circle ceremonies, Shamanic Rites, and the many World Arts of The Breathe. 

 

Some of my teachers have been more isolated, and even come from sources that face widespread consternation. 

 

Some influences are so ubiquitous you hardly spend a day without encountering them, such as the One, Four, Five chord progressions of the Beatles.

 

And some of what I’ll share is so ‘out here’ that some of ya’ll may want to fight with me first, because accepting the full depths may shock you right out of your mind… 

 

Dolphins guide our dreams. They have sets of humans to work with, and tend us like a garden. They know we’ll learn to see and thank them, in time.

 

And we have another set of beings who deserve our attention, and thanks. They are beings in charge of cleaning up hell. 

 

Not only do I want you to believe me. 

I want you to begin learning how to help.

 

Us.

 

 

 

*NOTICE*

In the course of every flow of evolution, there are ‘tipping points’, crucial steps that induce great leaps of change in perception and possibility. These points cannot be passed while other patterns of perception are given too high a priority.

 

The practices of competition, skepticism and greed have been dynamics for harnessing forces and channeling them in a manner that does less harm then the forces would otherwise do. The result induces more peace than we used to have.

 

We have harnessed competition to drive innovation, and explore teamwork. We have encouraged skepticism to raise the questions that open a wide range of intellectual insights. We have condoned greed, because it inspires activity which constructs culture.

 

This is quite apart from suggesting that the only way to inspire teamwork, industry, exploration and evolution itself… is by remaining deeply committed to these rather toxic, human conditions. We just used what was available, rather well. 

 

We can do much better now.

 

If you, as a reader, remain too deeply committed to these, and similar patterns of conditioning, you will be closed to any idea or perspective that challenges your roots. If you can recognize such influences, and surrender them before you ‘know’ what you’ll become… you’ll become something much more interesting. And loving.

*END*

 

 

 

As I was saying… There are beings in charge of cleaning up hell. They are mightily frustrated with us for being so full of confusion, and dumping our hatreds, fears and pain onto the rest of the planet. It has always been their job to ‘compost’ our fear and rage. A humble role, very few humans even believe they exist. It is time to learn to change our patterns, to mature. Begin with gratitude. Its just a suggestion.

 

It is time to become more alive… we are going to… remember… how to dance.

 

When I say we, I do indeed mean all of us. We don’t all have to DO it right away. We just have to learn how to watch. The act of witnessing is an act of creation. That which we see becomes more real, within the world.

 

And we are the world.

And we are full of junk.

 

Psychic energies, the vibrations of the Holy Spirit, the flows of prana that dance between us all, carry the rhythms that create them. Fear, joy, dreams, frustration rage and passion, all have an existence of their own.

 

By embodying... and rechannelling...  the same rage that causes children to kill, rage becomes less powerful for everyone. By turning it into a swirl of color, hate once lost within the demand that it bring old pain back to life… surrenders its essence back into the Earth.

 

Do you know that mushrooms often grow in piles of cow poop, or the remains of a rotting tree?  They are an integral part of turning waste… into rich new soil.

 

This is how non-physical energies work as well.

 

We have orbs of spinning light in our bodies. These orbs transform hate… or they can. They connect us to our dreams… or they can if you choose to let them. They’ll spin and churn and dance and sing all day long if you learn to work with them. They’ll sit up and demand the best of you….

 

Wait, what am I talking about?

 

The Indians call them Chakras, ‘wheels of light’. The Mayans called them Kanak-Ol, centers of power. The Hebrew ‘Tree of Life’ teaches us to ascend Sefirah centers spiritually. Some of these are the same centers, understood from different cultural perspectives. And some are dormant to other visions… like the blind man who doesn’t feel his friends Elephant tusk, yet.

 

 Each culture has its own energetic resonance. The energy fields of the University system, capitalist business, shamanic fire ceremonies, Tai Chi, and Slavic naturism actually exist within different ranges of vibration. These ranges overlap some, and extend into different ways of being. They are energetic keys, much like music is played in different keys of sound.

 

When I play the C chord on my guitar, I’m not alone. I resonate with every song that has ever used a C chord. The C# minor 6 chord is rarely played, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. Similarly, many cultures have a relationship with our heart center. They call it by many names, and know it in a wide variety of ways. Fewer cultures have explored the spinning orbs in our feet. 

 

But we all have them.

 

 

 

A SIMPLE MEDITATION

Sit comfortably. Release expectations. Breathe.

 

The breathe breathes itself, ad the lungs will let our minds breathe them. It is a dance. As we learn to feel rhythms of breathing more clearly, we discover what rhythms and influences support our body, our minds and our spirts.

 

Sit a while with the intention to allow the breathe to do exactly what it wants to do, shallow or deep, long or swift. Watch it. Learn to pay attention.

 

As you feel the breathe balance, bring awareness to the body. At first, focus comes to areas that are sore, or uncomfortable.

 

Breathe in a manner that brings sweetness to each area of tension. As it works, focus on the relaxation. Breathe it in, and then shift attention to another area of feeling that calls you.

 

An edge emerges, where the body relaxes enough to focus on our energy body. At first the sensations are tangled, in tension. This is why attention begins, with the tension. Gradually, learn to unravel what you are feeling.

 

And as you do, it becomes increasingly apparent that we have spinning balls of light inside our body.

 

Begin with your heart. Feel it.

 

 

*NOTICE*

If you are numb, you have probably been through a lot of pain. The choice to go numb is a tough one, because by turning off pain, we also turn off pleasure. Over the course of many lives, the choice to avoid pain may become more dominant than the choice to follow, and embody, joy.

 

To choose to feel more deeply, we must rewire our brains, and be willing to face feelings we’ve been working hard to avoid. 

 

Expect: To become more aware of physical and emotional pain if you follow this course. Intend to KEEP GOING, to learn how to breathe, and feel these pains meet even sweeter joy. To succeed, it is necessary to consistently surrender, to pray for help, and allow yourself to let go of old forms of security. To pass certain tipping points, we have to enter periods of not knowing.

 

If you maintain faith in this path, you will expand. Pains will diminish, and even disappear. You will learn to love learning, again, and again. You will increasingly find yourself saying ‘I love life.’ 

*END*

 

 

 

FLOWERS

Yogic students are often encouraged to meditate on the base of the spine, and imagine an energetic flow connecting the tailbone with the area above the crown of our heads. Imagine, above us, a lotus flower.

 

This focus teaches us to feel energy connecting the tail with this flower, and in turn, we learn to feel the flowers in between. Some of them may have been sleeping.

At first this meditation feels like we are ‘making up’ the images, and even the sensations that follow. The question ‘is this real, or my imagination…’ comes up a lot. Gradually, a whole new way of understanding ‘Imagination’ emerges.

 

The Flowers in our body are there whether we ‘think’ so or not. They are also much more full of potential than influence… until we learn how to see them.

 

The lungs will breathe, whether you control them or not. But when we learn to breathe consciously, and use our attention to deepen and strengthen our breathe, our lungs ‘turn on’ function and capacity that has been chillin on idle.

 

The Chakras are similar, and an order of magnitude more ephemeral.

 

These centers are much like the elephant, touched by blindness. They ARE many things, and they do much more than any one tradition has supposed. As we learn to recognize them, we are only scrapping the surface.

 

And until we recognize them, they wait.

 

We have wildflowers growing in our bodies, and they yearn to sing. Will you help them? Will you join us? Some of them refuse to be quiet once awakened. They sing all day and all night and won’t shut up till they are honored, and allowed to begin the rewriting of our souls. . Others are stubborn, silent, and heavy. They may refuse to open up… because the garden is too loud. Hot damn we’ve got problems. Our own friggin bodies are fighting, and need some Gaiadance.

 

 

 

GAIA

Play with words. It seems more like unlocking a puzzle actually. Shift the meaning, or let it shift for you. Feel the change, and imagine, if only for a moment, that these words have been nurtured for centuries within secret gardens of our spirit… and are now about to bloom.

 

Gaia is the Greek Goddess of the Earth. She gave birth to the Titans, who fought and built and created our home... pushing up the mountains, and carving out the seas. The world was then filled with lesser Gods, who inspired adventure, made love with the locals, and lived up the Days of their Lives. This we know as ‘Myths’ of the early Greek faith, well before Christ or Rome.

 

The Gaia Theory, as those who place a very high priority on the mind refer to her, is that the whole world is alive, and acts as one living being… of which we are a part.

 

The Gaian choice, is to choose with our minds to embody divinity beyond our bodies. To be more than American, or the resident of a city… to be more than our ethnicity, or a religion. To real-eyes these ways of being, as all part of this world.

 

Being a part of this world becomes more important, consciously, than any lesser division. Then we can go back to our differences, never to forget how interwoven we are.

 

In this time of integration, as traditions rise to change, each bearing gifts for the greater whole, our planet is our communion. All traditions are of her being.

 

This is not an opinion.

 

 

 

SURFING REALITY

In the early part of this decade, I learned to perform, to sing on stage in New York City. I freestyle.

 

I Flow.

 

I could give you a list of the ‘things that I am’, but it feels tedious. I am the being who learned how to shift between different ways. I have experienced many sides of the global elephant. The common strands are oxygen, water, love, and the desire to enliven each moment with what were once known as creative extremes. To bring the energy of inspiration to life, anew each time. 

 

To Flow.

 

To describe something new, it is often easy to put down something else. It is exhausting really, a constant war of ideas. The ‘quick fix’ is that the ‘new’ idea is charged with its assertiveness, and gets some degree of attention. The ‘cost’ is an endless circle of rising and falling, as ideas establish themselves, play king on the mountain, and eventually fall to something more mighty.

 

Quite a cost.

 

I am a child of Rock and Roll. I am making music in a way that is much more alive. Every time I play, it is new. The words I sing change, and are an expression of how I feel the moment I am singing them. If the vibrations of that moment serve… the chords linger in some patterns longer than others.

 

To become me, I ate music in the eighties and nineties the way I breathe air now. Sting, Bruce Sprinsteen, Sinead O’conner and Tori Amos all taught me to understand love.

 

Axel Rose taught me to stand up for what I am, and Prince taught me to yell it. Dave Mathews gave me new keys to my own mind, and Kurt Cobain taught me to burn the fears I found inside. Jewel taught me how to be in the sacredness of this music, and Brian McDaniel Taught me to sing when the silence dared eat me alive.

 

When we sing in Flow, feel the energy, and cast out rhythms that can be followed, surfing the waves that are here, now. Sliding through new intentions, out of confusions into something much more real…

 

This is the next wave of reality.

 

 

 

FLATLAND

I write in many sections, and the connection between them may not always be clear to you. Pease allow the format to open. We will be dancing from one vantage to another, and the flow between serves to express insight and experience that cannot be shared, well, linearly.

 

We have been living within a certain range of experience, and it is opening. The shift is dimensional.

 

There is much talk about new dimensions, and some of it implies that we are ‘going’ from one dimension to another, perhaps like a fourth grader ‘passes’ into fifth grade.

 

To appreciate the true nature of dimensions… imagine a Flatland.  A world in which nothing has any kind of height, everything is one atom tall, and lives on one plane. Beings are not short, or tall. They are all flat, and know nothing of ‘up’ or ‘down’

 

What does it look like to see something that exists in three dimensions? A cone, if it were to pass through this flatland… would appear as a circle that grows ever larger. A pole may seem to be a small tight circle, or a long line, depending on how it aligns. Appearances are deceiving, for each object is much more than we could see, at once.

 

We are opening in a similar way, with the world we have known increasingly bearing witness to strange phenomenon that our doubt can’t deny. We are facing cross sections of experience and consciousness that exist more in a ‘fourth’ and ‘fifth’ dimension beyond what we know how to see… well...

 

Yet.

 

Notice, this is not the same as identifying THE fourth or THE fifth dimension. There are simply MORE dimensions than we have been focused on, and for all I know you have been exploring one, and I another.

 

 

 

TO DENY

‘Where are these new dimension?’ ‘What does it look like, feel like, sound like to BEGIN to become aware of them?’

 

Do you know that dandelion roots make exceptional tea? Dry, them grind them. Steep five minutes, mix with sugar, and a milk that was created without any abuse.

 

I connect, often, with the consciousnesses of the beings around us. The cows, birds, bees, and even certain kinds of Storms. I experience these connections through many senses, including inner visions, and energetic feelings that represent in my body.

 

I have visions, which can be called imaginary, in which I speak with television educated aliens. I imagine interacting with Angels who walked the Earth before Egypt built pyramids. When I spend time with a tree, I learn what it likes, and what it feels of me. These visions have brought tears to my heart, and opened my courage, and helped me to love life again.

 

Do I doubt these experiences are ‘real’? Of course!

 

If I stopped the process of connecting, to force skeptical insights and insist on ‘proof’… then I wouldn’t have these insights. They disintegrate in the face of questioning that fears them too much.

 

You can’t walk on water, unless you believe you can walk on water.

 

Yes, of course, it is important to question. Indeed, to presume that a disembodied intelligence is ‘right’ or ‘holy’ just because it doesn’t live in the same reality we do… is naive, and even dangerous. The mind sits in the third eye, the chakra flower between our eyes. The mind matters, deeply, to this dialogue. And doubts born in the mind must be kept in their place, or very little will unfold.

 

Balance only implies ‘middle’ in two dimensions. 

In five and more, it reveals new-trails.

 

 

 

HEART

If you calm your breathe, you can feel your heart beat. 

 

The heartbeat reaches all over the body. Every cell receives blood. We can learn to feel the pulse… in every cell. Calm breathe, can you feel the beat?

 

Keep breathing.

Keep being breathed.

 

The heart is nestled behind the middle ribs, hugged from above by the lungs, just left of center. The heart chakra, as it is commonly known, is centered very close, along the spine, two fingers above the sternum.

 

The hard bone, where the first long ribs meet.

 

You have noticed it, the feeling of overwhelming love that makes you want to burst, the ripping and aching of a heart… breaking. You know the flower in your heart, its just time to learn more.

 

To re-member?

 

Entering a new range of awareness is daunting. So much to learn, so much to see. It is exhilarating and terrifying both and more. We must let go of the shore of our old stable views, and swim into ways… over our heads.

 

While we step a little further out, come back to your heart. Take the time to breathe, with closed eyes. Call calm into your blood, and feel it spread throughout the body. 

 

When tension returns, do it again.

 

Begin to feel your energy. Feel the sensations that pulse in our love center. Relax into them, and allow the focus of love to soothe the changes that begin to unfold.

 

 

 

TIME

Linear time is a curious Beast.

 

I once sat with two women I love very much as they bonded with each other, and I listened. They imagined time as a flower that we trace with a line. I didn’t understand what they were talking about.

 

Where to begin? Age? There are so many other ‘orders’. I’ll just start, and go straight for a while, and then we’ll see what blooms.

 

My relation with ‘past lives’ is splotchy. I have gone deeply into several of them, yet I remain unclear that they are ‘past’. Am I seeing across time, is this stuff going on ‘now’? Am I watching myself, or someone else who is also me, more by relation through Gaia, than through a sequence of ‘my’ spirit being in one body, then another, then…

 

Perhaps they’re happening elsewhere to now. Perhaps each ‘life’ we live is one rose petal, or one rose on a flowering bush. We pass through the veins and arteries, and if we go left when we could have gone right, we get led back down the other path later. Perhaps Angels have compassion for our blindness in the face of the beauty of the flowers of life.

 

‘The’ Flower of Life is an intricate and absolutely lovely two dimensional expression of interlocking circles, a web of life. It is said to contain, within its geometry, all the possibilities of existence.

 

I’m not really clear on what that means either. Yet if time is a flower, and if the beauty of interlocking spheres can do anything to shed more light on the wonder of being alive, then I prefer to pay attention to the flowers, than to a timeline in a text book. HIStory, the story of men who killed other men, raped women, lived in terror, and died with the raging demand that little children be forced to remember their names.

 

When I’ve ‘seen’ lives I understand as my past… it has been a lot like Scrooge being shown his past. I’ve felt the presence of compassionate hands, and seen flashes and feelings that I simply ‘know’ are ME. Perhaps this is inaccurate. Perhaps it’s the most evolved way I can understand it … yet. Perhaps I’m watching someone else entirely, and get to feel what they feel, so that I may learn.

 

It is rather daunting to real-eyes that beings from many ‘times’ are watching me…

 

…all the time.

 

 

 

LOVE

Love is alive. It runs and spins and knows itself and forgets itself and comes and flows and changes and flies… and falls, and gets back up again and dances while it sings, and cries, and prays for rain in which to dance, and sleeps in peace… and yearns for us all to do the same. 

 

When love comes in, and we let it dance us, embody our hearts and sing them so clearly our lungs remember how to breathe…

 

… we feel the pain. 

 

The pain we hold at bay stirs with the intensity of new joy. It knows we may be strong enough in our joy to feel and heal it now.

 

The choice, the only choice that I will accept, is to trust the flow. Feel it, and melt the doubts, and claim Love as our own body. Love is our body. When we do not know it as ourselves… confusion reigns.

 

We are love. This love is fierce, and faithful, and pure. It will vibrate within our bones as we stare at dis-ease, and it will hold our jaw high as we confront the beasts we’ve kept in the dark.

 

Love doesn’t need a sword.

 

As you read, please stay with love. If you find it challenging, please pause, and breathe. If you find yourself fighting me, please stop. 

 

 

 

HOW TO PRAY

Do you enjoy the sunset?

Do you enjoy the wind?

Do you love to breath?

 

How about drinking a tall glass of water. Come here, come closer, feel this.

 

Closer still. To the breath. To your body.

 

Sit. Hold the water. Pray. Do you know how to pray? Are you sure? Can you feel the water reaching out to you, feeling the liquid deep within the blood of your bones? Can you sense into it all like a white vessel, and feel the ripples of energy dancing through veins?. Sit a while.

 

Hold the cup. What shall you pray for?

 

The water is waiting. It feels your prayers. If you call it with naked heart, and honor its reply, you will be blessed beyond expectations.

 

You can’t expect what you can’t imagine.

 

 

 

A FLOWER

Imagine a ball. It can be any size really, ping pong size works well.

 

Around it are twelve other balls. A ring, six balls around the first on a plane… a perfect fit. Three above, and three below, offset  120’ from the top.

 

Thirteen balls, one in the center.

 

This is a key between worlds.

 

It exists… differently… than our physical dimensions, and is used with the imagination. 

 

With belief, the inner-chi flowers activate, transform, and latent potential awakens.

 

Imagine the balls parting, spinning, and extending into a line. Then let them settle up your spine, each parted by the distance between your nose tip, and chin.

 

Start at the Tail, one sits above your crown.

 

Music is vibration. Light is vibration. Inner-Chi is vibration.

 

vibration creates music, and color. 

 

These vibrating balls want to dance.

 

 

 

DISCLAIMER

I’m in love with a woman named Katia. I’m in love with you too, whether you like it or not.

 

We live in an ocean of love.

 

And in body, I live and love and learn and pray with Katia. We’ve been married, and divorced. We’ve been bonded by angels, and police, and parents. We’ve been pushed and pulled and molded and woven and rewoven… we sleep with each other at night, and her spirit teaches me to feel more alive every day.

 

One day we climbed a special rock overlooking Berkeley, after a day providing healing sessions. I’d set up a chair, and put up a sign that said ‘free massage’. Then, when people came, I offered to read their energy as well. I liked the openness of a free chair, the magic beyond the exchange. I want to turn on as much life as I can. 

 

It is what I do.

 

By the end of the day there had been a lot of crying, stunned silence, and a special brand of joy that defies categorization. Am I bragging? I suppose so. Yet I am not exaggerating, nor will I in the words ahead.

 

As we looked out over Berkeley I felt a new world. It was in me, around us, it was breathing. It is waking. 

 

We walked back in humility, and upon return, I felt a strong pressure. I let it feel, open, and I listened. 

 

This is often how Angels speak. They wrap up all sorts of feeling and insight in a ball, and throw it right into us. If they wanted to speak in linear words, they’d do that. Some things just can’t be spoken so… tightly. 

 

It usually takes a while to sift through a light ball. They experience consciousness with breadth, in many speeds, and many senses at once.

 

They do not expect the same of us… yet.

 

This one, this feeling that pressed into me, opened. Expecting a critique, I felt a smirk, and the suggestion that I write a disclaimer next time. So I am.

 

I felt the loving chaos extend out through the webs of our bodies, with the sense that the changes, the openness of the sessions… were rippling in families, and sparking fights, and pains, and aches, that had been repressed. I was okay with that. It was held in love.

 

Learning to channel energy seems to be a cross between the X-Files and Christ. It is confusing, sometimes painful, and out of this world. It doesn’t seem to work, unless I agree to experience the energies of change WITH people. To embody the shared feeling, so any ‘mistakes’ take place in my body as well. Thus I can only help, with things I can heal in myself.

 

I still feel the people I’ve touched, for some time after their body leaves. I tend the extremes… we… go through, maintaining balance.

 

And plenty of Angels tend me.

 

I realize it is extraordinary to live this way. I go further, and suggest that you are learning these things as well. Perhaps you haven’t understood how amazing your lessons are, so they remain small, and hidden amidst the dynamics and dramas you may call normal.

 

Perhaps you know how amazing you are, and need to feel company. Perhaps you trust… that when you pray for the woman in the wrecked car beside the highway… she feels it.

 

To become something new, we have to die to what we were. Sure, you can hang out and watch the new way for a while. Eventually, though, you’re gonna dye. It feels like agreeing to be crucified, and recognizing that you are a mutant freak, all at once. It gets better.

 

If you don’t want to dye, don’t keep reading.

 

 

 

OZ

I did not want to read, so I refused. I was a wiz at Math, so they were confused. My words couldn’t express why, but I knew they were taking something from me that I refused to surrender. 

 

I did not want to imagine in the ways they demanded.

 

I began to loose my vision.

 

Each night, before I slept, I sang the songs my parents had sung me while even younger. Two in a row, and then I prayed.

 

Father

When at night I go to sleep

Fourteen Angels watch to keep

Two my head are guarding

Two my feet are guiding

Two are at my right hand

Two are at my left hand

And two warmly hover

Two wholly cover

Two to whom is given

To guide mysteps to Heaven

 

I held my hands together, and my cat Misty slept at my feet.

 

Mother

Now in the Fading Light of day

Maker of all to you we pray

That with your ever watching love

You guard and keep us from above

 

Help and defend us through the night

Danger and terror put to flight

Never let evil have its way

Preserve us for another day

 

And then I prayed, in new words each night, for exactly the same thing. Please bring me, and my cat Misty, and the girl Tara whom I had a crush on, and my sister Elizabeth and our parents… 

 

To OZ

 

 

 

IMAGINE

So this woman, a very magical and brave woman, has an idea. There are a lot of… children floating about in the sky, and they keep crashing. They fight over each other’s ‘toys’. They break their necks frequently trying to jump too far, and they turn flowers into atom bombs fairly often.

 

And she has an idea.

 

She is going to hold a party. It is open to all, but these… children… have to agree to certain rules before we come. She is going to teach…these children… how to share.

 

And then… we… are going to create something very, very, new.

 

END PART 1

 

 

It is dangerous to repress emotion, and fight to keep it at bay. The same mechanism can e used to 'channel' emotion, which entails holding it well enough to choose consciously how to address, engage, and express.

When that mechanism halts in the hold, and becomes ossified, repressed fear passion pain rage become what we know of as evil. Evil is banal. Simple, terrifying. Not all that powerful really, because it is utterly dependant on pain.

And not healing pain.

Then, when bursts occur, the scary thing is that truths do flow. They seem to make sense, indeed perhaps they do. But that is apart from the fact that they have been repressed, and their repression represents, in woundedness.

'wound' spun energy, spinning in circles, stuck, unchanging, leaching form our core strength and masquerading as all sorts of distractions in order to avoid the core beliefs that hide the pain in which they are rooted.

Repressing emotions, and never dealing with them, is dangerous.

Pain. My simplest, clearest memories are short. I put a rusty wire through my finger. I stuck my figer in a lightsocket. I had excrusiating pain in my knees. I got migraines. I feel off my bike... wait, I don't even remember THat pain.

For the head, and knees I used heat, or cold. some strong, clear tempeture change that allowed my brain to focus differently. I didn't 'get it' yet, but I was learning to change the way I reqacted to the 'pain' and thus change... the pain.

At a certain point in high school, in church no less, I decided not to take pain relievers for my head anymore. the turmoil was ridiculous. We were sleeping over, in the narthex, the top part between the choir stalls. I'm not sure why we slept there as a youth group, but we did, and it felt special. And my head was exploding, and I finally took a tylenol...

and the pain went away... almost right away.

And i got it.

The pain left because I expected it to. I hardly ever used them again, I wanted to learn how. years later, and many nights of ARGSFGAG (I'm stubborn), and I began to learn to feel into what was going on. To my suprise, it wasn't actually, all that bad! I felt the little blood vessels pumping, and learned to concentrate on the pulse, in the area, that was in 'pain'.

this brought a sooting ness, but more importantly, it brought RHYTHM. Gradually, it became clear that my resistence was driving me insnae. Despite the idea of the migraine, I was NOt in consistent pain. I was in a state, where 'pain' could erupt at any moment, in pulses that function a lot like chinese water torture. Its the unpredictability that is worst.

Then, the experience deepened.

There were literally two vibrations going on. One that was 'normal' and one that was not. The new one was poking through, seemingly randomnly, and my 'brain' was immediately reacting against it, p[ushing it away.

Pain was the experience of rejecting something, and not being able to get rid of it.

The only rational response I knew of, was to stop fighting. The blood vessel meditation worked well. then water. Baths, showers. Walking. RHYTHM. Set a third rhythm, a feeling that I do like that is neigther 'normal' nor the new vibe. And allow it to function as a common denominator for the other two. Then surrender.

I began to learn to recognize feelings, to discern awareness that had made no sense to me. It was the choas that was unusual, and it was my resistenc eto that chaos that was horrible. The clinging to what was, to what I knew of as normal, and the attempt to conform the new feelings to something that... clearly... couldn't contain them.

I had to learn to change color.

They didn't want to blend. the new feelings were pissed too, and were bublbling in at the edges (like chinese water torture). They didn't want to just mix, they wanted my full attention.

I began to see the faces of my friends... in rage.

And THEN it began to make sense. my whole body went through transformations, as I began to recognize feelings, all over, that were often more intense than anything that had been normal. and many of them were, ARE uncomfortable. One by one, i could gio into them. It was like I was stuck in a psychic septic system, all the angers people feel, flashes of, and then say no too. Eventually building up, needing to go somewhere...

The thing is they are raw energy. They are our lifeforce, modled into ridiculous passions because we are still too sloppy to create our lives more consciously. I was awakening to the levers and pullies of systenms that traditionally work unconsciously.

And it hurt(s)

the really stunning thing is, I learned to transform them in my girlfriend. I was deep in the flow of interpretting them as psychic attacks ()unconscious) and I went in to a migraine she was having... and we peeled it away. I saw the flash of a face, and a man, and said this guy wanted you more than you think, and he's still channelling energy into you...

and he used to be her roomate...

and he moved two hours away...

and he called on the phone an hour later, asking to come visit ,that day.

Angels like teaching tough lessons with this kind of clairty, because I can still tell you about it seven years later.

Now... it still hurts. I still wonder at all the chaos. But boy of boy can I move thr4ough it better. Its a lot about how I think about it. It requires deep surrender QUICKLY. No, I'm not going to the park. No I'm not goig to play music, read go to work, any thing at all. Thiese feelings are coming in, ad I have to be with them, fully, or I will drown. Not the most empowered position imaginable, but the most empowered position I can conjure.

Unfortunately, there is a problem. If I do it, for my girlfriend, here is what happens. I go in, feel the dissonance, take it into my body, and dye it.

It feels like death. It struggles, the vibe struggles like a living worm, and I strangle it. that is kind of horrifying. It has a pleasure to it, much like, I imagine, a cat hunting a mouse. but as a vegan feeling being, I really do not like the sense of domination that is required.

But it is required.

Anyways... I go in, embody the vibe, dominate4 it, and dye it. It goes still. Breathe opens, in both of us... and a much calmer feeling, attuned to a more neatural vibe (presuming I'm in blance myself) emerges.

This is lifeforce. It is the lifeforce of the person I am helping. It isn't mine, but its in me. It gives me a lot of power. They don't want it, because they are in pain.

But now its pain t.

My challenge at the moment, is to put it back. For a long time, I just thought I'd take it out, and get rid of it. But that is very disempowering for the pwerosn I work with, and it has actually meant I usually only use this approach in emergncies... on other people.

In me, it happens all the time. This is the odd and scary conseqeuence. I get psychic confusion channelled at me constantly. All day long, I'm transmuting odd energies, and often before I know where they come from. I write to embolden myself. Its usually just annoying, but in a debilitating way, becuase underneith, I don't know how to make it stop.

this is pain. It isn't physical, or even energetic pain. It is my resistence to an experience that I do not know how to stop.

I think writing this is going to change something important.

I have let go of 'everything' on three major occasions by now.

The oomph of this path, going through the loss, soul searching for 'meaning', and recreating, is irreplaceable. The power, the joy, the emotional inspiration for each day of life, shifts from 'things'  and 'positions' which are beyond us, into 'rhythms, skills, patterns within.

I would, at some point in my life, have considered that a 'should'. As in, I 'should' be the kind of person who can let go of everything... in order to be a 'good' person.

Now, I simply know that since loosing all my things, along with the dreams and aspirations that were woven with them.... that I am literally more free.

I am only recently awakening from the shell shock of all that loss, and accepting that it hurt. A lot.

Its odd, awakening from hurt, to feel joy, somehow reveals that hurt was hurt. That can 'hurt' more in some ways, feeling, awakening from the numbness.

It is amazing, I've been telling myself that I AM someone, again and again, to all who'll hear, as a way of justifying all the loss. All I have to do is admit that I haven't really been this person... and I recognize that I am becoming this person : )

And it has been worth it.

Now, my challenge is to learn to care about creatina a life worth living, with some grounding. A life that honors the choices I've made to release such, and thus, a life that has the courage to embrace the same patterns and cares that once suffocated me.To care deeply for the home I live in, the patterns of material life... while knowing they will transform.

I'd really prefer to natruallyl anticipate when it is time to change , and to do so with grace!